Okay. This month was tough. But I’m still going, still smiling, never giving up. x
i. i am too weak to cry, too strong to smile. and you will never know, because all you see is the setting up of signs, the washing of coffee pots. you don’t understand the depths of my soul, and it’s better that you don’t. because if you saw my brokenness, you would run — just like everyone else.
ii. love comes so slow and goes so fast. i’ve always wanted to love someone, to love someone deeply and with every ounce of strength in my worn body. but maybe, maybe i’m not meant to be loved. because i love too hard. and losing you is even harder.
iii. heard my name echo and saw your radiant face. still a shock, but maybe those sleepless nights, those nights of twisting amidst the storms within my mind, those nights where the darkness crept beneath the bedcovers — maybe it was all worth it.
iv. i’ve redeemed myself. i’ve redeemed myself.
v. you and your lies. you never saw the potential in me. you always said i was too tall, too heavy, too stupid. yet look at me now. i climb a rope and make it to the top, i do a hundred pushups and survive, i lift half of my weight. look at me now. i am free. i am free.
vi. waved goodbye. then you fell silent. all i wanted was a glimpse into your soul, a wisp of your dreams, and a shadow of the things that defined you. and all we shared were chopsticks, dumplings, and a cube. one final goodbye, and maybe this is the end. the end of us.
vii. when i say i don’t need help… it’s because i need help. but i don’t want to burden you.
viii. i saw you that night, that night of worship and prayer and finding our hiding place. and i want to tell you that spring rain whispers through your tears, that sunshine peeks through your scars. i prayed for you that night, and i will continue praying for you. because He sees you. and i do too.
ix. waterfall climbing. a spring afternoon, and it brings back those hazy memories. now if only.. if only we could go back and do it all again — the boulders, the hills, and the fallen trees.
x. a prayer answered. maybe i haven’t lost you, maybe i haven’t lost our friendship, maybe i haven’t lost us. because i thought you’ve given up on me, on us, on our hair-curling sessions, on the therapy sessions in my darkened driveways, on our music jam sessions. i’ve missed you. i’ve truly missed you.
xi. freedom comes on icy wings.
xii. look up, child. ninety seconds and the scars wouldn’t have faded. ninety seconds and the memories would have melted away. ninety seconds and the pain wouldn’t have been. ninety seconds and you wouldn’t have entered my life. ninety seconds and i would’ve lost a lifetime.
xiii. promise me you’ll always remember. you’re braver than you believe. you’re stronger than you seem. and you’re smarter than you think. because i will always care about you, i will always be here for you, and to think i almost lost you.. it breaks me apart.
xiv. you make me laugh, you make me sing, and you make me believe that i’m worth it. a minor chord is supposed to be depressing, but you.. you bring joy and life and laughter into my life.
xv. the shaking starts again and i can’t control it. i need my safe place. i need someone to be my safe place.
xvi. a speech about laughter. i laugh not because joy brims over in my heart, but because each echo of laughter hurts my very soul and wrings the life from my body. i laugh in the face of pain because i am victorious. i am strong. i am still alive.
xvii. i hide within the cadences of the ivory keys, beneath the rise and fall of the wafting melodies. and for the first time in a long time, the storms within grow quiet and hope begins to bloom.
xviii. marked for Him. help me be a light, help me a breath of fresh air, help me be the light at the end of the tunnel. because i want You to echo through my words. because i want You to live through my existence. because i want to be marked for You.
xix. You called me into the light, but i ran back to the darkness. and You.. You came into the darkness, sought me from underneath the ashes of my existence, and carried me back into the light, brushing my tears from my eyes. You call me child, and i know i don’t deserve it. i love You, and i will always love You.
xx. i raise a hallelujah, i will watch the darkness flee… i raise a hallelujah, fear you lost your hold on me! i’m gonna sing, in the middle of the storm. louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar. up from the ashes, hope will arise. death is defeated, the King is alive!