autumn is always a tough season for me. the leaves die off and fall slowly to the ground, as do parts of myself. but i always remind myself if it doesn’t hurt now, i can’t grow later. so here it is, october and november in all its glorious heaviness. x
i. one step forward and two steps back. but i took three steps in total. i’m making progress. i’m not letting you down.
ii. your eyes melt when you see me and i don’t know if it’s a figment of my imagination. but i’ve said goodbye already and there’s no going back.
iii. chased me off a cliff. i never should’ve said anything. i never should’ve torn down the walls of my heart. i never should’ve have shared my pain. because now, you two see me differently. i can’t hide my fear anymore. and that scares me.
iv. natural selection. my legs are too short, i can’t keep up. but i’ll never be completely accepted and loved. i’ll forever be trailing ten feet behind, struggling through the mud, powering through the wind, and feeling my icy heart faltering within my chest.
v. i can’t handle all this anymore. i’m breaking, i’m broken, i have been broken.
vi. a simple game of ninja, but every second of those fifteen minutes was a nightmare relived. i’m afraid, and i hate it with every fiber of my body.
vii. e-major. we’ve drifted seemingly apart over the last two months, and i don’t know how that happened. but i’ll forever be here, bracelet on my wrist, waiting. searching. loving. because friend, i miss you. i miss us.
viii. i miss you too. four simple words, and my heartstrings quiver.
ix. i live for the moment the small squirmy body in my arms plants a sloppy kiss on my cheek. you’re keeping me together, little man.
x. raindrops pound on the steel roof but underneath, within the echoes of the music and the humming underneath my feet, i feel safe. look up, child, and see the sunset peeking from behind the storm clouds. look up, my dude, and leave the overthinking and the foot-in-your-mouth moments behind.
xi. nah, it’s just the adrenaline. a cry for help, and it went unheeded. i can’t see, i can’t breathe, i’m drowning, i need help. only one person left i trust and he’s wrapped up in her, i can’t interrupt, i know what it means to him. but i feel like i’m dying and where are my ivory keys when i need them?
xii. you inspire me to leave my burdens behind, work on my weaknesses, and smile bigger every day. i play that b-minor chord, and my heart throbs with the memories past and the memories to come.
xiii. i fly, i soar, and i paint my knees the color of the sunset. but in the end, it’s all worth it. because for one fleeting moment, i was free.
xiv. when the oceans crash over me and the waves drown my cry for help, You were there, holding my head above the chaos, being my light in the fumbling darkness. You are the calm in my storm, the anchor to my floundering boat. You will never let me go, and i, too, will love You forever.
xv. after losing my breath, there’s no more fighting left, sinking to rise no more, searching for that open door… and i don’t know if i’m gonna make it, nothing to do but lift my head. i look to You… when all my strength is gone, in You i can be strong… i look to You.