i. i’m dangling off a cliff, clinging to a rope with both hands. the rope is frayed, unraveling, it won’t last much longer and nor will i. i’ve given it everything i got and now, now maybe it’s time to walk away. walk away before i give up on myself.
ii. telephone pole down. they’re walking. a frigid late winter day and a steep walk uphill. i wish i could run, run and run and run until i got to your workplace and sit on the front porch until you arrived. i wish i could stay outside in the blinding wind and bone-chilling cold. i wish i could do anything, anything to get away from the pain that awaited me in the warmth.
iii. a piano that wasn’t tuned. questions that weren’t completely answered. candles that wouldn’t light. but what the day was was greater than what it wasn’t. feeling the strength rush through my fingertips as i pressed the untuned keys. a long car ride that revolved around teleportation, the future, and being on-time. a day that i will keep beneath my heartstrings forever.
iv. i can’t take this anymore. i’m giving up.
v. my special day. but i don’t feel special anymore, nor do i want to. i just want to disappear beneath the leather seats, away from the love songs that wrenched my heart, away from the cramped weight slowly crushing me, away from somewhere i didn’t belong.
vi. i wished you’d slow down, not because i was afraid to die, but because i was afraid you’d die. my heart fluttered in my throat and i prayed desperately that in case the 84 went to 0 in a split-second, i would be taken, but you, and the girl in the front seat, and the two guys beside me, would make it out alive.
vii. my bandaged wrist. i wish my anxiety would vanish and never come back.
viii. every day spent in that building and that house seems like a nightmare. i want to wake up and see that nothing’s changed, that you still welcome me with a grin and a fun remark instead of drowning me with disregard on your face, that i still pour into the people i love without being caged like a criminal.
ix. thank you for burned ears. the pain will go away but the memories will stay. i felt like a queen, a hobbling queen, but a queen nonetheless. my eyes shone and my heart sang and every time i looked at you, i knew that everything would be alright.
x. you’re a beast. am i a monster, you think? am i who they say i am? a failure, an inept burden, a puppet without a voice of her own? tell me, i beg of you. i need to know the truth and you’re my last grasp at hope.
xi. absolute bliss, absolute freedom, until with a jolt, i went down and the shattering pain snaked through my knees like a million fiery needles.
xii. you’re like a breath of Jesus in the lives of the people you meet. the best day of my life.
xiii. write about me. and i did. you thought those lines funny, but when i sent that poem to you i sent a piece of my soul with it. when you read it aloud the day after, i lost that part of my soul forever. i wish that you, both actually, but especially you, knew the truth about february 21. but i don’t have the courage to tell you.
xiv. when the road gets too difficult for me to navigate, You picked me up with Your nail-pierced hands and carried me. when i wrestled with You, You could’ve knocked me over with just the look of Your eyes, but You chose to lead me out of the swirling darkness and into the blinding light.
xv. amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. i once was lost, but now i’m found, was blind but now i see. my chains are gone, i’ve been set free. my God, my Savior, has ransomed me. and like a flood His mercy rains. unending love, amazing grace.