absquatulate

absquatulate: (v) to leave without saying goodbye

i left without saying goodbye.
got up, smiled, walked out the door
i wanted to stay, hug you one last time, but i couldn’t stop, i just couldn’t

i left without saying goodbye.
you were talking, laughing, your voice carrying across the noisy room
i wanted to tell you how much you meant to me, only i said nothing

i left without saying goodbye.
last time i checked you read my message
it was goodbye, final goodbye, forever goodbye, but you didn’t know

i left without saying goodbye.
walked into the road, in a moment, gone
no lasting impression, no lasting impact, no, nothing

i left without saying goodbye.
i regret it, oh, how i regret it.
i left without saying goodbye.

dear may // 2017

i.  you showed me beauty in ashes, strength in pain, light in the inky shadows. ultimately, the light will overcome, fear will be washed away.

ii.  you showed me freedom. the last day. goodbye to stabbing loneliness, silent criticism, hateful ridicule. goodbye to friendships renewed after years of silence, laughter at the peak of sorrow, beautiful smiles never to be seen again. leaving is so hard, but i can’t look back.

iii.  you showed me hope when i was drowning, not wanting to live but not having the strength to die. a hand pulling me up, speaking gently, breathing in life.

iv.  you showed me this sparkling ball of joy, her smile chasing my stress away, her faces making me laugh through my tears. words cannot express how much she means to me. when i try my best, why do i always mess things up, ruin everything?

v.  thank you for movement, throwing my burdens to the wind as my body spins to the music. strength to let go and let God.

vi.  thank you for music, bleeding my soul onto the slippery keys, voices wafting through the air, we kick the mistakes behind and forge ahead, page after page.

vii.  thank you for late nights and early mornings, waking up and knowing that i’m going home.

viii.  thank you for a friend talented musically, athletically. mature beyond the years. beautiful inside and out.

ix.  i read the love letters You wrote me throughout the years, smelled the bouquets You leave at my front door. always there when i need You, You never let go, oh no, You never let go.

x.  you will be praised, you will praised, with angels and saints we sing worthy, are you Lord. and it’s why i sing.

 

 

dear april // 2017

i.  you showed me hazy mornings, clunking footsteps, loose gravel—peace at the tornado’s eye. alone. the silence. i used to hate loneliness, now i embrace it hesitantly, my arms shaking.

ii.  you showed me love, loss, letting go. the moment when i saw him in a different light. every inch a man, no longer the carefree youngster. he’s pursuing his dreams, i am lost in oblivion. he never showed me this side of him, never during our talks.

iii.  you showed me long conversations—excitement, careful planning. when i finally begin developing a strong friendship, why do i always mess it up? complicate things?

iv.  you showed me this amazing human being, full of potential, beautiful beyond words. i love this girl so much, we keep each other strong. no shame in ugly angles, a bare soul. she’s always there, always within reach, always pulling me up.

v.  thank you for gentle reminders. i was cut off from the energy-filled group, tinkering away by myself, consumed with desolation, she comes over and wraps her arms around me. the most popular reaching out to the least popular. there’s still hope, still purpose, still future.

vi.  thank you for music. soaking in that angelic voice, all I do is play, the fingers flying over the ivory keys, but that is enough.

vii.  thank you for burned fingers, the pain will go away but the memories will stay.

viii.  thank you for long talks on the long road, alone yet not all alone. thoughtful conversations with the unseen.

ix.  finally found the strength to worship, arms lifted high, who cares if people judge. i put the looming shadows behind and faced the shining light. a new day, a new beginning, a new life.

x.  hallelujah, our God reigns. hallelujah, our God reigns. hallelujah, our God reigns. forever, all my days, hallelujah.

04.28.2017

sometimes smiling hurts.
you smile, but it’s just a ruse, just a mask, just an act
you go through the motions of living, because everything’s dead inside
you try your best, do your best, give your best, but you’re just that burdensome creature

did He feel the same?
He fulfilled all those prophecies, awakened all those hopes, yet nobody believed Him
He did everything to love, to give Himself, yet door after door closed in His face
He did it all, gave it all, became it all, yet nobody cared. nobody saw Him.

sometimes loving hurts.
you love, but nobody loves you back
you pour everything out, but they let your lifeblood run down the drain
you try your best, do your best, give your best, but nobody appreciates it

did He feel the same?
He loved and died for that love, yet it took an eternity to love Him back
He poured every part of Himself out for us, yet everyone took it for granted
He did it all, gave it all, became it all, yet everyone turned their back.

sometimes living hurts.
you live, but there’s nothing to live for
you serve, you do it all, but inside you know that nobody cares
you try your best, do your best, give your best, but your existence doesn’t matter to anyone

did He feel the same?
He lived, He came, yet everyone rejected Him
He healed, He comforted, yet they wanted Him dead
He did it all, gave it all, became it all, yet everyone deserted Him.

i never thanked Him.
i never told Him how much i loved Him.
i never poured myself into Him the way i did to others.
i never looked at Him and at Him only, not at the world.

“Look at me, my child, listen to my voice. I have loved you. I have waited for you. I am calling.”

04.07.2017

i walked the long road the other day, gazed at the sky with shining eyes
we met in that room of color, sunlight splashing over us both
but
there’s no familiar figure there this time
there’s only silence and the echo of my footsteps.

i focused on the colors the other day, gazed at the screen with thoughtful eyes
we, our eyes, locked suddenly, sound pulsating around us within the oaken walls
but
there’s no time to connect amid everything
there’s only silence, regrettable silence.

i sat in the corner the other day, gazed at the wall with watery eyes
we – but there’s no we, only i – thought upon the album of memories
but
there’s nobody sitting beside me
there’s only silence wrapping me in its embrace.

i saw you the other day, gazed at you with admiring eyes
we conversed, words and laughter forging paths in the dim room
but
there’s something amiss
there’s silence hanging between us.

i spent precious moments the other day, gazed at the book with nostalgic eyes
we made those memories, you and I, spent the time, smiled those smiles
but
there’s no voice echoing in my ears now, no favorite voice
there’s only silence, that dreaded silence, heavy. quiet.

until the silence speaks.

03.24.2017

The wind whistles softly through the forlorn pines
Singing its forlorn song of cowering alone, alone in silence
Singing its dire dirge of bottomless desolation and unspeakable loneliness
I try not to listen, but
There is nothing left to fight for.

The shutters, hinges loose from the years of carnivorous rust, clank ominously
Persuading numbness to seep into my soul, severing all vestiges of human reason
Persuading worms of doubt and bitterness to make its home in the deepest recesses
I try not to believe, but
There is nothing left to fight for.

The cold slithers silently over the doorstep and wraps icy fingers around my waist
Beckoning me with a dance, a dance that brings me to the End
Beckoning me to begin a journey that begins with this world and ends with the next
I try not to give in, but
There is nothing left to fight for.

The heavy air crackles with static
Pressing with unfathomable weight onto my broken pieces
Pressing with unforgiving strength, bent on destruction, on shattering the remaining shards
I try not to buckle to the ground, but
There is nothing left to fight for.

Darling
I have loved you with an everlasting love
I knew when you were awake and when you were asleep
I held you in the palm of my hand

Darling, oh, darling
Look at me, look into my eyes
My love for you knows no bounds
My every moment is consumed with giving you the best of everything

Darling
Don’t pull on that mask of someone I didn’t create you to be
Don’t melt into the corner in desolation and excruciating pain
Don’t cry, darling, please don’t cry, don’t let the tears form shining paths on your beautiful face

Darling
Stop fighting a battle you cannot win: I cannot bear to see you crumpled in agony
Stop resisting those I sent to pull you out of the mire: I cannot bear to see you suffer
Let me take over, baby, give me the reins

Let me fight for you.
Let me bleed for you.
Let me die for you.
Let me show you how much

I love you.

03.10.2017

i feel numb
nothing matters anymore, my heart sits like a lump of lead in my chest
the people around me blurs with the passage of time
one thing after another, new responsibilities, new commitments

i feel dead
the darkness wraps its cold fingers around me, there’s light ahead but i turn away
no more strength, no more hope for another day
there’s nothing left but i need to forge ahead, ahead into nothingness

i feel worn out
boxed in
hurdles, traps, obstacles at every turn, nowhere to run
living, laughing, loving… none of those matter anymore

the sun rises
the sun sets
the sun rises again

Another day.
Another chance.
God, give me another chance.