scrapbook

clippings and excerpts from recent days. x

through hawthorn leaves do roses bloom
beneath the gray-washed sky
a splash of pink in drafts of gloom
my heart when i see you.

//

when worlds stand still
and time collapses
death comes loudly

i looked up at the moon last saturday night. and as my cries of grief disappeared into the clouds, i saw His love echo from the moonbeams. wisps of promises never forgotten, pain carried by my Savior, and answers that will come when i finally fall into His arms. alone, yet never all alone.

we will miss you, w.

//

maybe some people aren’t meant to stay
but i really wish you could

//

one day we will sit together
talk our worlds into existence
intwine in them the feelings
woven with steady fingers 

you are precious to me, my child.

//

Your Word is a lamp to my feet, and a Light to my path.

Puerto Rico

A few weeks ago, I went on a missions trip to Puerto Rico through Evangel Chapel, partnered with TENT NYC. It has taken me some time to find the words to truly express what I experienced on this trip, and I’m sure that as time goes on, the words will continue to come to me. x

Okay, let’s start from the beginning.

It took us three days to even make it to Puerto Rico. Our original flight was canceled after we’d spent almost 8 hrs at the airport, our second flight was canceled as well, and our final flight was delayed, resulting in another 9 hrs at the airport. We laughed and sang and worshipped in the waiting, and the Lord carried us safely through.  

We spent much of the remaining time we had working the land – heliconias were transplanted, pavers leveled, stumps dug up from the soil, and the men installed sheetrock for the ceiling in the compound. It felt good to grip some tools and put in some work.

We were able to spend an afternoon working with a children’s camp, and shared an evening service with a local church. The people of Puerto Rico have such open smiles and open hearts. The children spoke no English and I spoke no Spanish, yet we jumped through sprinklers and chased each other with water balloons as if we’d always been friends. Although I did not get to serve in a medical capacity (besides an isolated incident in which a woman cut her head open on some rocks), I was able to use other gifts and talents to serve the Lord.

We were also able to spend some time exploring the mountain and soaking in the rivers, cliffs, and waterfalls. The beauty of God’s creation will never cease to amaze me. Water pierces through stone, polishes rock, yet chatters and sings incessantly.

The people of Puerto Rico have shown me what it truly means to have a childlike faith. In their worship, I saw a complete surrender, dependent on yet in awe of God. Worship was hunger for God, and prayer was joy in His presence. I feel like here in America, it’s so easy to get into a routine – work, sleep, eat, hang out with friends – that there is no desperation for God. Yet in Puerto Rico, I experienced what it felt like to hunger for daily bread – just like the Israelites needed a fresh outpouring of manna each day, so we need a fresh encounter with the Lord every morning. 

God feels closer in Puerto Rico. 

Maybe it’s because some mountains graze a whisper of Heaven. Or maybe it’s because the silence finally allows His voice to echo in the stillness. Through and since this trip, I have experienced the presence of God in such new and miraculous ways. He has instilled in me a passion for the Gospel and a dependence on His Word. There is truly no greater joy than to serve as He served, love as He loved, and live a life dedicated to Him. 

Te amo, Puerto Rico. Until we meet again. 🇵🇷

“They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.” – Revelations 12:11

heaven

the most beautiful part of death is that there was once life.

for those that continue on this side of eternity, hope becomes that much sweeter. even darkness waits with baited breath for the coming of dawn.

how beautiful it is to walk with our Savior – to serve as He served, to love as He loved, and to draw strength from the Father’s presence. and when one’s final exhale still sings of His unfailing love, that is a life truly lived in the Savior’s arms.

to truly live is to live with heaven in mind.

there is nothing more captivating than to wake each morning and choose to live each breath for His glory, to pour out completely and without hesitation to those He has called us to serve, and to love like Jesus – for to celebrate life is to celebrate the One who conquered death.

the most beautiful part of death is that there is life. 

o taste and see that the Lord is good!

25

when you think that this is the end of your story
remember
that you are not the author
just the parchment
on which He has inscribed His words.

and when He calls you to reach the broken
remember
that in this world
it is more beautiful
to have loved and lost
than to have never loved at all.

so we fix our eyes not on what is seen
but on what is Unseen
since what is seen is temporary
but what is Unseen is eternal.

death silences a sentence, but He writes the chapters.

i’m no longer afraid.

i wrote this piece i’m always afraid almost three years ago. as i’ve journeyed deeper into His presence, i’ve decided to revisit, reflect, and rewrite. i am no longer afraid. soli deo gloria. x

i used to always be afraid of sunrises that reach their grey fingers along the edge of the horizon, for sunrises come after sunsets and the comforting darkness that accompanies the night. and beginnings come after endings, and endings mean periods instead of semicolons. and i was afraid, because i didn’t know what the morning would bring. 

i used to always be afraid that someone will see behind my smile, for i didn’t want to carry the weight of someone else’s world when i didn’t have the strength to comprehend my own pain. and i didn’t want them to see that sometimes the voices inside my head speak louder than His promises. and i was afraid, because i always thought that brokenness meant weakness and weakness meant failure and failure meant i was unloved.

i used to always be afraid that jagged edges would turn into scars, and scars would whiten and fade with the passing of time, for those battle scars were all i’ve ever known and if i didn’t have those scars, i’d have to relearn who i was. and i was afraid, because i’ve never learned how to free fall. 

now, sunrises are my favorite. because purple smiles and blue skies and sleepy clouds sing of His goodness. and when His fingertips touch my soul, i just want to throw my head back and laugh, laugh with joy because He who holds the future knows my favorite color. 

Lord, teach me how to live each breath for Your glory.

now, i want to tell the world my story, for in the cracks of my brokenness my Savior’s love shines radiantly through. and i want to poured out for His glory, to be emptied so He can fill me with His presence, for every fiber of my being to tell of the wonder of His goodness. 

Lord, teach me how to love like You.

now, i stand amazed in His presence. for He takes broken things and He makes them new, His love is impossible to comprehend – unexplainable, uncontainable, and unbelievable. for He gives boldness and courage and a mountain-moving faith, and He breaks prison walls and sets the captives free. His joy gives me the strength to fly.

Lord, You are breathtaking. You are everything to me.

dear God // 2021

dear God,

i don’t understand why flowers wilt after they bloom.

but i do know that when the oceans rise, You dance barefoot in the rain with me. and i hear the whisper of Your love in the echo of thunder and the crashing of waves. 

i don’t understand why i’m called to love, and why hearts are mended just to be broken again. but with the changing of seasons, You’ve shown me how much i am fully known and deeply loved. and God, that is enough for me. the more i empty myself, the more You fill me up. o taste and see that the Lord is good.

Lord, meet me where i am. teach me how to love like You do – to love without expecting to be loved. 

thank You for the precious lives i knowingly and unknowingly said goodbye to. when my hands are the last ones a person holds on this side of eternity, Lord let them see You in me. You have taught me that life is so fragile and such a beautiful gift – teach me how to live each breath for Your glory.

hey God, i’m excited for this new year. for where You have called me, is where i will go. give me an outpouring of Your fresh manna every single day. teach me how to fight on my knees – my hallelujah is my battle cry.

thank You for overwhelming joy, unwavering hope, and indescribable peace. You alone are my hiding place. 

i love You.

dani

more than enough

i’ve learned to listen for His voice in the midst of the storm. for when the roar of waves drowns out my cries for help, His whisper echoes in the caverns of my soul. 

and when Your joy becomes my strength, i find that i can climb mountains, dance in the rain, and laugh with the freedom that comes on icy wings. for it is in the shadows that i see Your light. and it is on the mountaintops that You speak Your promises into the sunrises of my future. and when the storm comes, You laugh in the rain with me.

you and i, we watched the cloudy sunrises and missed the sunsets together, but i still see a kaleidoscope of colors in your eyes. you are never alone, you are always enough, and our Savior’s love will hold you close, hold you and never let you go. let Him teach you how to fly.  

sometimes the pain still speaks to me in the dark. and sometimes for a moment, i forget to breathe when the tears stifle my lungs. but i see His love echoed in the whispers of my scars. 

Lord, You are all i’ve ever needed.

i’ll never be more loved than i am right now
wasn’t holding You up, so there’s nothing i can do to let You down
i hear Your voice carried in the rhythm of the wind to call me out
You would cross an ocean so i wouldn’t drown

You’ve never been closer than You are right now
and i’ll never be more loved than i am right now

Jireh, You are enough
and i will be content in every circumstance
Jireh, You are enough

and if He is enough, then i am enough.

i want to be beautiful

i want to be beautiful because of the way i love.

i want my eyes to be beautiful because they see the good in every person. beautiful because they notice the ones hurting, the ones sitting alone or eating alone or walking alone. beautiful because they look to Jesus and reflect His kindness.

i want my hands to be beautiful because they serve selflessly. beautiful because they wash dishes and mop floors and carry boxes cheerfully – without any thought for reward. beautiful because they brush away tears. beautiful because they cling tightly to the hands of Jesus, cling tightly to those nail-marked wrists, for in the whisper of my own scars you can see the love of my Savior.

i want my arms to be beautiful because they reach out and hug the world. beautiful because they support the weary with a strength that is not my own. beautiful because they are held by the arms of Jesus, held and never let go.

i want my feet to be beautiful because they lead people to Christ. beautiful because they walk into battles confident, knowing that they are clothed with the Gospel of peace. beautiful because they follow in the footsteps of Jesus, step by step, a line of footprints in the wet sand.

i want my lips to be beautiful because they speak life, life and hope and peace and trust in Jesus. beautiful because they refrain from harsh words intended to wound and destroy, but instead build lives and relationships and a community for Jesus. beautiful because they echo the promise of our Savior, a promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us, a promise that He is always with me.

i want my smile to be beautiful because it makes my whole being come alive, come alive with joy. beautiful because it looks beyond all differences, all prejudices, all biases, and reaches into the soul of the unloved. beautiful because you can see the reflection of the Savior’s smile in the light of my own.

i want to be known as beautiful, beautiful because i love like Jesus.

help me to love with open arms, like You do
a love that erases all the lines and sees the truth
so that when they look in my eyes, they will see You
even in just a smile, they would feel the Father’s love

gone

if you could feel my fingertips
one last time
i would brush the glow
of pomegranates
across your cheeks
and tell you that
sometimes
fire means freedom
and a flame
doesn’t mean you will be
scorched.

if you could hear my voice
one last time
i would speak the bluest
of skies into your soul
and let the echo
of my voice
stir the currents of hope
so you know
sinking deeper
doesn’t mean you will
drown.

if i could see your smile
one last time
i would make you believe
that you light up
the world and
deepen the sunsets and
paint my soul
in blooms of color and
that you took
my world when you
left. 

if you could feel my fingertips
i would hold you close and never let go
if you could hear my voice
i would tell ‘i love you’ again and again
if i could see your smile
i would memorize every single crease

but it’s too late, because you’re
gone.

---

If you are reading this and are struggling with suicidal thoughts/intentions, please don’t kill yourself. I’m begging you. I’m sure you think nobody cares if you live or die, but my heart is bleeding for you. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please remember that somewhere out there, I’m here, and I love you and care about you and I want you to come home safe. x

i’m always afraid.

i don’t know why i’m always afraid
afraid of the golden light hiding
beyond the edge of the darkness
afraid of the scars that speak
of volumes of stories left untold

i don’t know why i’m always afraid
afraid someone will see behind my smile
uncover the shards of silence and fear
afraid of remembering, feeling, and loving
people who’ve shaped my very universe

i don’t know why i’m always afraid
afraid the haunting music from my fingers
would unlock secret doors and buried thoughts
afraid the creeping mist and enveloping fog
would allow the silence to echo in the stillness

i don’t know why i’m always afraid
afraid healing would bring forgetfulness
and wipe away the crux of who i am
afraid that fighting my battles
would bring about the weight of victory

i don’t know why i’m always afraid
afraid to form lasting friendships that
withstand the storm of time and space
afraid to freefall into love and eternity
and choose to let someone be my forever

i don’t know why i’m always afraid
i don’t know why, i’m always afraid.